I'm not alone... You never leave me...

I can't believe that 3 weeks have gone by since I left Lot 218 to come to Spain. Before leaving I was nervous and scared of what awaited me and now it is behind me. It is crazy how we spend so much time worrying about the future and all that happens is the future becomes the past. Perhaps instead of dwelling on these two things we need to really focus on the present and leave the rest up to God.

Last Sunday I found myself at the Royal Palace here in Madrid sitting in the garden reading 'Ocean Star'. As I was reading the book it hit me that God really does have me in His hands... just as he had Christina in His hands. No matter what we do He is always there... No matter what our plans might be He is the one with the ultimate plan. Christina went through horrible things as a child, as an adult, but yet she was thankful for them all when she came to see what God was working at in her life. You know, we complain so much about things that happen in our lives... especially when they do not go our way but as we do that we are blocking our view of what is to come, of what God has waiting for us.

Last year, I was so devastated that I wasn't able to do a summer program, like I had for the past 4 years. Sure I was taking a few classes at the Graham School but I really couldn't see how that would help me.... All my friends were doing great things with their summers that would surely up their game in dance and what was I doing?? I tried to make the most of what was in front of me but I was definitely not a happy camper and I was beginning to question what God was doing.

Today as I look back at that time I can only say thank you God for being the one over my life's journey. The teacher that has made it possible for me to be here taught me Graham this year... the same technique that I learned last summer for three weeks... the same technique that I needed to work on. In those weeks on my own in NYC last summer I learned to be more confident, to just go for it and I grew as a young lady and dancer. But I couldn't see that then! But I am thankful that I can see it now and that I have learned from that experience. If only I could have known that all that has happened would have happened then perhaps I would have worked even harder and gotten even better results. But that is just it, God wants us to be anxious for nothing.... we just have to live life as it comes and listen intently for His commands and directions for our life. It is better for us to really be in the moment- the present- than dwelling on the past or the future. It is better for us to look at life as a kaleidoscope of colours- with God controlling which colour (road) is next for you.

Being here in Madrid I have had a lot of time to just sit alone and think. And I have never felt so free when I dance.  I think it is because my mind is emptied in my moments alone and then I am free to feel what ever comes when I move without being bogged down with thoughts that have been lingering for a while. Although it has sucked to be alone for the most part I am thankful that I have had these precious moments that are so rare when I am at school. I haven't cried in 3 weeks and although this could be due insufficient liquids in my diet and too  much salt, I think it is something more than that. This is the most at home that I have felt when I dance... perhaps I am beginning to find that inner peace that allows an artist to become their art form... idk... but I like this feeling... it is strange because sometimes over these past 3 weeks I have felt like I wasn't working as hard as I usually do.... and then I thought about what some of my teachers at Juilliard have been telling me (and many other people): Julia you work too hard! You need to just find the joy and the simple pleasure of dancing. It is not meant to be a burden. Yes it will be challenging but it should make you feel happy on the inside. It should make you smile.

I have to say my heart is smiling so much right now! I can't describe it but I just know now more than ever that what I am doing is what I am meant to do. I may not be the best technique wise but I have a passion and a drive for something that has the power to change those around me. After the performance on Friday my Spanish Dance teacher whispered in my hear: "Tu es un verdadero artista."
- "You are a true artist." I didn't know what to say but my eyes filled with tears... and that was the first time that I cried in 3 weeks... Just hearing those words (which I understood as she said them!!) has given me the inspiration to continue on this journey that I have found myself. Every time I dance I hope to touch one person...  and sometimes I might not know that I have touched them but sometimes God shows us the rewards of our hard work, perhaps so that we don't become discouraged, rather that we become encouraged to continue to live for His Kingdom.


I couldn't see myself trading this experience for any other in the world... These three weeks have taught me so much. But my greatest lesson has been that I AM NOT ALONE... AND GOD NEVER LEAVES ME! and HE NEVER LEAVES YOU!  We've got to learn that He is in control and that sometimes we just need to play the background. There is a song that Joy sent to me that pretty much sums it all up. Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me the most:

It's evident You run the show, so let me back down.
You take the leading role, and I'll play the background.
I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines
I'm sticking to Your script, and I'm reading all Your signs.
I don't need my name in lights.
I don't need a starring role.
And why gain the whole wide world, if I'm just gon' loose my soul.
And my ways ain't purified, I'll live according to Your Word.
I can't endure this life without Your wisdom being heard.


I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will and trust Your word.
And I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred.
And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games.
Got plenty aims, but do they really glorify Your name?
And it's a shame the way I want to do these things for You, yet,
Don't even cling to You. Take time to sit and glean from You.
It seems that You were patient in my ignorance.
If ignorance is bliss, its cause she never heard of this. 
(Background by Lecrae)




God has got an amazing plan for me life... and I will patiently wait to see what it is, yet each day growing stronger and wiser in His will!